MySpace blog: The tortoise and the urinal

alright, enough deep and semi-deep things for the week.

This is the return to the short stories of awkwardness that I so enjoy telling.

So far, this incident has been my biggest frustration with anyone in the Spiritual Formation department this year:

Yesterday, I played guitar in chapel for the first time ever. Nate led worship, because it is Celebration Weekend (when the alumni all come to visit). He asked me to play because he forgot that I hadn't yet graduated, so I was on stage with a bunch of people Nate has played with over the years.

The day before, I introduced myself to Dan Foster, the Campus Worship pastor the last 3 years, who looks very turtle-like, in my opinion. Dan probably didn't remember my name while I played yesterday morning, but he surely recognized me and knew I was a student here.

As I exited my Intro to the Alliance Class and walked across the hallway to the restroom yesterday afternoon, I was looking at some art in the hallway. I went around the corner, and right as I did, I noticed Dan looking at me. I figured he might come say hi, so I waited in the hallway for a sec, and put my papers in my messenger bag. He didn't come, so I figured he would be waiting outside when I came out. I entered the restroom.

Girls, you may want to stop reading here, but you'll miss a really funny story.

I was relieving myself as usual in the urinal, when I heard the door open. I heard a voice saying, "I normally wouldn't..." and I turned my gaze to face the voice.

I saw a half-man, half-turtle and thought "Oh! It's the ninja turtles!" Not really. I actually saw Dan Foster.

Dan the turtle man proceeded, "I normally wouldn't follow you into the restroom, but I just wanted to say you did an excellent job in chapel today."

Now, for you girls who are still reading, let me key you into some rules of urinal conduct:
1. Never look down. Guys don't look at their urine hitting the urinal wall and splashing all over their legs (urinals are ridiculous inventions that inevitably get little, tiny, microscopic drops all over your pants, and sometimes you can feel that if you're wearing shorts).
2. Never look to the side. You might see something that makes you unable to continue your "relief efforts," and that could seriously damage your urinary tract.
3. Look straight forward, at the wall only. Only talk to people you know who are in the adjacent stall, but do not make eye contact.

So, I was torn between following the rules of urinal, and following the common conduct rules of society (etiquette), which dictated that I face Dan while he talked. Of course, Dan violated etiquette by talking to me whilst I peed. He just stood in the doorway, which was not only to the side, but slightly behind me, so it was a stretch to even bend my neck far enough in order to see him without turning my body.

I didn't really respond significantly to anything he said. I just said, "Thanks." and "It was fun." All in all, it was 30 seconds of awkwardness that became the second-weirdest peeing experience of my life. The worst was during a basketball game my freshman year, when I was going to the bathroom, and another guy came up to me and grabbed my butt for 5 seconds. I tried to move around to get his hand off as I yelled and squirmed. All I proceeded to do was pee on my foot.

I'm pretty sure there is a spiritual application to my story from yesterday. In the Torah, God told the Israelites that if they needed to "drop the deuce," that they were to go into the desert and dig a hole, then bury it. It says something about the Lord God walking about the camp. In other words, even God doesn't want to see you going to the bathroom or the remnants of that event. Since He thinks that the excretion of waste is an event too personal for community, I think I am right in saying that Dan's discussion with me was not just odd, but un-godly.

Don't take that last paragraph too seriously.

Currently listening : House of Heroes By House of Heroes Release date: 26 April, 2005