Mystery.
The mystery of mystery.
Not the “mystery of mysteries,” but the mystery of the very concept of mystery is the way it makes me feel. Life is a mystery.
Sometimes, I taste the sweetness of the mystery. The delight of knowing that my life is not and cannot be within my own sphere of control. Those are the times when I feel a God who is a mystery—a God who is beyond my grasp.
In fact, I usually am enthralled by the notion of a mysterious God. I usually embrace the way that my own life is a mystery. I usually say I know who I am, but at the same time, I know that my life is mysterious in that I have no idea how things will play out, because I am constrained by the flow of time through the universe.
The word “marvel” encapsulates best what I mean. To say that something is “marvelous” is to say that its mysterious nature creates awe. I used the word “marvel” in the song I wrote, “The Love of a Holy King,” to express my typical love of mystery.
Usually, I love mystery. Today, I wish it would all just resolve. I cannot think of a concrete reason why I feel so perplexed today. A few weeks ago, I had reason for perplexity, but I thought my confused state had faded away in the rear view mirror of time.
I seek mystery. I have a longing for the indescribable. I am on a quest for the marvelous.
Today, I wish my world was rational and linear.
Perhaps watching Eternal Sunshine and using the word “linear” to describe what it was not made me realize how cyclical and loopy our universe is.
David Lim led worship at the Stirring tonight. Certain things in my life have come full circle to where they were when he left. I realized today that my life has come into a place oddly construed to my life situation in the Fall of 2004.
Perhaps I am merely in this state of mind (no, it’s more than just a state-of-mind, it involves the spirit, body, and mind) because it’s the end of the semester. I have a daunting workload tonight, and I also have realized in recent days the imminence of the “real world.” As soon as I finish this semester, I begin my final semester as a college student. Then what? I don’t know. Redding?
Perhaps my thought last night has spurred me on toward this perplexity. Likely, you have heard some allusion made to the “God-shaped hole,” that we each have. I don’t even know who coined the term, and if anyone knows, do share. I realized that when we try to fill the hole with other things, it is impossible. However, is it possible that when we fill the hole with God, he remains hollow, leaving other desires in us? Or, maybe we have other holes to be filled, other voids in our system of desire.
A void for a spouse. A void for a career. A void for causing change in the world. A void for friends, meaningful friends. A void for dreams.
Perhaps dreams are simply voids. We know what we want. When what could be becomes what should be, a void is formed in the depths of me. Nothing can fill that void but the realization of the dream. Sometimes, the wound of desire will heal itself, and what is a desire for a season will be gone. Nevertheless, the walls of the hole become a part of my heart, a part of my uttermost being.
I realized this evening that I have so many voids—so many yearnings. I suppose my perplexity is rooted in my inability to determine which void I should pursue first. Amazing how writing solves so many problems. As soon as I wrote the word “pursue,” I realized that all I need to pursue is God, who fills the greatest void, the one we all share. The strangest thing is that I have listened to the song “Invitacion Fountain” (I don’t know why it’s spelled that way, because the Violet Burning is American) around 7 times in a row now. I actually just wrote the chorus lyrics down before I started this paragraph:
“If you lead me Lord, I will follow,
Where you lead me Lord, I will go
Come and heal me Lord, I will follow,
Where you lead me Lord, I will go.”
2 Corinthians 4:7-10 (New Living Translation):
“But this precious treasure—this light and power that now shine within us—is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can see that our glorious power is from God and is not our own.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.”
If you skimmed that, at least go back and read the parts around the word “perplexed.”
It’s always amazing when God meets me and then shows me the verse that fits my situation. But, this, specifically, is a new experience for me. In the past, I’ve found the solution to a conundrum, and then blogged about it, but never before have I been writing a blog and had a huge epiphany in the middle of writing. It’s happened for class work and journaling in the past, but not for a blog. I guess this blog is the most journal-like of all the blogs I’ve written. I was reluctant to write at first, because it meant putting off my homework for a half hour or so, but I knew that my answer was waiting for me if I’d write.
One practical step I’m going to take, in addition to solitude, is to start listening to “worship music” again. I have always listened to the stuff, and I’m not quite sure when that stopped. Sometime in the last 3 or 4 months, I guess. I hadn’t even noticed until just now.
Here are all the lyrics to “Invitacion Fountain,” if you want them:
All who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
All who have sailed
On the rivers of heartache
Come to the sea,
Come on, and be set free!
If You lead me Lord, I will follow
Where You lead me Lord, I will go
Come, and heal me Lord, I will follow
Where You lead me Lord, I will go
All who are weak
All who are weary
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
Let all who have climbed
On the mountains of heartbreak
Reach to the sky
Come on, and give your life
Heal me.
Heal me.
All who are weak
All who are weary
All who are tired
All who are thirsty
All who have failed
All who are broken
Come to the Rock
Come to the Fountain
***edit (15 minutes later)***
I realized that while the amount of time I spend listening to worship music dropped a lot over the summer, I actually didn't completely stop listening to it until I got back from Thanksgiving break, which is also when I started staying up for ridiculous amounts of time and not caring about school anymore. I pretty much have just gotten lazy in everything. I need to pursue God! Maybe I need to think about the song "Draw Me Close," even more than I have been recently. I think those lyrics really apply too.
 | Currently listening : If You Say Go By Various Artists Release date: 2002 |
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